Ponds

I am struggling right now. I still don't have a job and don't know what I want to do, which makes it that much harder to look for jobs. Should I go back to school? If so, in what? How do I pay for it? Do I get more loans? I'm overwhelmed with it all and don't know how to process it so I do what I do and pretend nothing is wrong.

I've tried to figure out when/where I've been the happiest and most productive. Those times were my last 2 years at UGA, law school and living in Korea. Then I tried to figure out what those had in common. Friends were a huge part of that. Also new experiences, even if the new experience was studying like I had never done before.

I looked deeper and think I've figured out part of it. I work well in ponds. By that, I mean a group - usually smallish, but potentially changing with a core close set of people. At UGA, I was in an organization and thrived in it. I knew my role - I knew my responsibilities to the group, to myself and how to make it (and myself) better. In law school it was similar. I was involved in lots of organizations, knew everyone in the school and knew my role. I knew which classes I had to really prepare for and which ones I could coast in. I learned how to study the best way for me (thanks Eddie!) and to balance studying and organizations and family/friends/fun.

In Korea it was more of the same. Once I figured out how to do my job, I did it well and developed a decent relationship with my students, co-workers and boss. I knew what I was doing. Socially, I found groups of people and fit into them. I wasn't a full organizer, I was a smoother - I blended groups and motivated other people to find their good points.

I've discovered it's not really the size of the pond, it's that it's defined. Not having a pond, I'm floundering. I don't know my role, I don't know how to make myself or the people around me better. I don't know what I'm doing. And it's hard. Really, really hard. I'm not trying to get sympathy - everyone has something going on and I'm so blessed to have family and friends and God to offer my support. But I'm scared. That's the first time I've said it out loud (if writing counts as out loud).

I need to find a pond so I can breathe again.